All this time i've done as i was told
Oh how can you not see i've lived by your rules
But for this moment let the rule be mine
I've wasted enough time just hanging on
But now i want to fly
All this time i've lived according to what you thought was practical
Oh how can you not see
How this practicality is practically choking me
But for this moment i want to breathe
If only for a moment let insanity be my oxygen
I've wasted enough time just hanging on
But now i want to fly
All this time you've trained me to ace this rat race
Oh how can you not see i had dreams to chase
Steady but restrained is the story of my life
But for this moment i refuse to walk the line
I've wasted enough time just hanging on
But now i want to fly
All this time you made me worship stability as the highest virtue
Oh how can you not see i am stuck not stable
For this moment let me risk it all
If only for a moment set me free
Oh how can you not see
I've wasted enough time just hanging on
But now i want to fly
I've wasted enough time just hanging on
But now i want to fly.
June 30, 2007
June 16, 2007
To Change or Just Be
For a lot of time now i have been caught in this riddle -
whether to be the person i am or make changes to suit the image of my ideal-self.
This post is an attempt to put the pieces of this riddle together.
Somehow to me it has always felt right to be my instinctive self. After all ' i am what i am' sounds so cool. But then there have been umpteen number of occasions when i have felt a sense of discontent with myself for not being what i want to be. For instance poise is one quality that has always intrigued me and i on a number of times end up acting very crude thus creating a gap between my actual-self and my ideal-self. And this is just one example there are several other such instances.
Having given a serious thought to this problem i figured that this discontent roots from not having a clear sense of what my ideal-self actually is. But then again defining my ideal-self in very clear terms is one thing and sticking to it is quite another, as there always will be a tendency to go back to my natural self. So the choice really is between training myself against my natural tendencies on one end and living with the discontent on the other.
So should i strive towards the first alternative or simply just be the way i am?
I don't think i still really have a sure answer to this question but after putting in some thought i have arrived at a tentative solution. The rest of the post discusses just that.
Ever since i came across a certain Mr. Howard Roark i have always been very fascinated towards this fictitious soul. When i say fascinated i mean fascinated only. The way a Harry Potter fascinates a 13-year-old. I mean here was one person who believed (or rather lived) that man is here to create and he creates for only one reason which is his own happiness. Now, if a batman or a superman can fascinate then Roark, most certainly can. Don't you agree. Heck, for the purpose of this post i'll assume that you do.
Now i took a look back at my recently completed 22-years of existence on planet earth. And tried to recount those moments when i felt a stark sense of happiness. I did this so that i could understand what exactly is it that makes me happy. Two things came out of this.
Firstly, i couldn't recount too many such moments, which i think is a shame considering the fact that i have now finished a quarter or may be more of my life-span. Just in case i am painting a very sorry picture of myself i must clarify that there have been plenty of times when i felt a great sense of elation, but those moments of elation do not give me any great joy now when i think about them.
Secondly, the only commonality that i could observe in all my hazy recollections of these past moments of elation was that i felt happy in these moments because somebody (usually my family members) felt happy for me in these moments. And also perhaps i had some kind of recognition (no matter howsoever microscopic it may be) in these moments. So as i observe my own happiness itself is dependent on others. And this is where Howard Roark becomes a fantasy. The easiest way for me to verify the validity of this observation was to imagine myself all alone on an island. I don't think that any of my actions will have any meaning in such a scenario and i also don't think that i will have any reason or motivation to continue existing then.
So now going back to the original problem. If being the way i am is causing some discontent it is because i am not able to bring out the desired responses to my actions from others. I think it's safe to draw such a conclusion now, as i have established that my contentment itself is dependent on others. However, i must be very carefully sure about the people i want to impress through my actions. Otherwise i will never have a clear sense of my ideal-self.
But going against my natural instinctive self is tough. So is it worth the trouble?
My answer right now is yes it is. A validation for this answer comes from the swimming lessons that i am taking these days. As i can observe now, almost all the movements that came naturally or instinctively to me in the swimming pool were all technically incorrect. Now is it worth learning the right technique is anybody's guess. Though i must add that there is a sizable fraction of swimmers who swim sufficiently well for their rquirements with partially correct technique. But then again i don't think they themselves did not want to learn the right way to swim. It was just that they stopped trying at some point.
Thus to conclude, my answer to the riddle is to strive towards my ideal-self. The caution here is that the ideal-self which i seek to strive towards should be reasonable, well-defined and attainable.
whether to be the person i am or make changes to suit the image of my ideal-self.
This post is an attempt to put the pieces of this riddle together.
Somehow to me it has always felt right to be my instinctive self. After all ' i am what i am' sounds so cool. But then there have been umpteen number of occasions when i have felt a sense of discontent with myself for not being what i want to be. For instance poise is one quality that has always intrigued me and i on a number of times end up acting very crude thus creating a gap between my actual-self and my ideal-self. And this is just one example there are several other such instances.
Having given a serious thought to this problem i figured that this discontent roots from not having a clear sense of what my ideal-self actually is. But then again defining my ideal-self in very clear terms is one thing and sticking to it is quite another, as there always will be a tendency to go back to my natural self. So the choice really is between training myself against my natural tendencies on one end and living with the discontent on the other.
So should i strive towards the first alternative or simply just be the way i am?
I don't think i still really have a sure answer to this question but after putting in some thought i have arrived at a tentative solution. The rest of the post discusses just that.
Ever since i came across a certain Mr. Howard Roark i have always been very fascinated towards this fictitious soul. When i say fascinated i mean fascinated only. The way a Harry Potter fascinates a 13-year-old. I mean here was one person who believed (or rather lived) that man is here to create and he creates for only one reason which is his own happiness. Now, if a batman or a superman can fascinate then Roark, most certainly can. Don't you agree. Heck, for the purpose of this post i'll assume that you do.
Now i took a look back at my recently completed 22-years of existence on planet earth. And tried to recount those moments when i felt a stark sense of happiness. I did this so that i could understand what exactly is it that makes me happy. Two things came out of this.
Firstly, i couldn't recount too many such moments, which i think is a shame considering the fact that i have now finished a quarter or may be more of my life-span. Just in case i am painting a very sorry picture of myself i must clarify that there have been plenty of times when i felt a great sense of elation, but those moments of elation do not give me any great joy now when i think about them.
Secondly, the only commonality that i could observe in all my hazy recollections of these past moments of elation was that i felt happy in these moments because somebody (usually my family members) felt happy for me in these moments. And also perhaps i had some kind of recognition (no matter howsoever microscopic it may be) in these moments. So as i observe my own happiness itself is dependent on others. And this is where Howard Roark becomes a fantasy. The easiest way for me to verify the validity of this observation was to imagine myself all alone on an island. I don't think that any of my actions will have any meaning in such a scenario and i also don't think that i will have any reason or motivation to continue existing then.
So now going back to the original problem. If being the way i am is causing some discontent it is because i am not able to bring out the desired responses to my actions from others. I think it's safe to draw such a conclusion now, as i have established that my contentment itself is dependent on others. However, i must be very carefully sure about the people i want to impress through my actions. Otherwise i will never have a clear sense of my ideal-self.
But going against my natural instinctive self is tough. So is it worth the trouble?
My answer right now is yes it is. A validation for this answer comes from the swimming lessons that i am taking these days. As i can observe now, almost all the movements that came naturally or instinctively to me in the swimming pool were all technically incorrect. Now is it worth learning the right technique is anybody's guess. Though i must add that there is a sizable fraction of swimmers who swim sufficiently well for their rquirements with partially correct technique. But then again i don't think they themselves did not want to learn the right way to swim. It was just that they stopped trying at some point.
Thus to conclude, my answer to the riddle is to strive towards my ideal-self. The caution here is that the ideal-self which i seek to strive towards should be reasonable, well-defined and attainable.
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