I Want to Be My Hero

The interview season is now over for me. Looking back none of the three interviews seem promising enough to result in a convert and the worst part is that this is not the worst part. The worst part i think was the manner in which i lost C - 5 minutes - thats it - sudden death. The abruptness of panel's thank you, left me with a feeling of shock. Initially, i felt let down by the panel for not having given me enough time but now that some time has passed i can see the panel did in fact give me chances at multiple occasions but i let myself down by not making use of the openings.

The biggest opening came when the panel asked me - What is it that are you passionate about. Now, since ages i've been asking the same question to myself without any success in finding the answer. After all, providing customised research and analytics services to Evalueserve's clients never really felt like a passion to me. And all the other interests that i have can at best be hobbies but nothing even close to a passion.

The irony of it all is that my inability to answer the question in the interview is infact now going to keep from finding the answer for some more time. The reason why i say so is because the panel member who asked me this question, from the moment i first looked at him, seemed like an all-knower, as if there was nothing in the entire cosmos that he wouldn't know. And by answering this question as stupidly as i did in the interview (not to mention that this was not the only such instance) i have denied myself the opportunity to be in the company of such enlightened souls for two years. However, the brightest possibility even at the end of those two years would have been - me searching for my passion in selling bank loans or soaps.

Now, its natural for those who read this post to find it weird that i am so impressed with someone by merely looking at him. If i think about it its weird to me as well. But, some faces speak so loud that its hard not to listen. That person in his appearence looked at complete peace with himself, in a state of equilibrium with this world. My guess is if someone would ask him - What is success? he would probably answer with a smile on his face - Don't bother kid, with time i realised its not such an important question after all. Some day you would too.

As a person i've always been extremely fickle minded with a vague concept of self. My aspirations can vary from the images of the traditional filthy cool on one end to images of extreme profundity on the other and a plethora of other things in between the two extremes. But, never in my head a Vikram Pandit (the Citigroup dude) would seem like an aspirational figure. Again, the irony is that, in my present course, thats the ultimate success that i can even aim at, let alone have.

At this point i would mention with some reluctance though, that Roger Federer for me always has been one ever green aspirational figure . I picture him falling to the ground with tears of joy and satisfaction in his eyes, that is so characteristic of him, after any of his grand slam victories and wish if i could be him (i know i am yet to grow up). But, this interview person has given me another and more importatantly a more attainable face to think of as my ideal. Now, i can atleast hope that some day i will be my hero.

To Change or Just Be

For a lot of time now i have been caught in this riddle -
whether to be the person i am or make changes to suit the image of my ideal-self.
This post is an attempt to put the pieces of this riddle together.

Somehow to me it has always felt right to be my instinctive self. After all ' i am what i am' sounds so cool. But then there have been umpteen number of occasions when i have felt a sense of discontent with myself for not being what i want to be. For instance poise is one quality that has always intrigued me and i on a number of times end up acting very crude thus creating a gap between my actual-self and my ideal-self. And this is just one example there are several other such instances.

Having given a serious thought to this problem i figured that this discontent roots from not having a clear sense of what my ideal-self actually is. But then again defining my ideal-self in very clear terms is one thing and sticking to it is quite another, as there always will be a tendency to go back to my natural self. So the choice really is between training myself against my natural tendencies on one end and living with the discontent on the other.

So should i strive towards the first alternative or simply just be the way i am?

I don't think i still really have a sure answer to this question but after putting in some thought i have arrived at a tentative solution. The rest of the post discusses just that.

Ever since i came across a certain Mr. Howard Roark i have always been very fascinated towards this fictitious soul. When i say fascinated i mean fascinated only. The way a Harry Potter fascinates a 13-year-old. I mean here was one person who believed (or rather lived) that man is here to create and he creates for only one reason which is his own happiness. Now, if a batman or a superman can fascinate then Roark, most certainly can. Don't you agree. Heck, for the purpose of this post i'll assume that you do.

Now i took a look back at my recently completed 22-years of existence on planet earth. And tried to recount those moments when i felt a stark sense of happiness. I did this so that i could understand what exactly is it that makes me happy. Two things came out of this.

Firstly, i couldn't recount too many such moments, which i think is a shame considering the fact that i have now finished a quarter or may be more of my life-span. Just in case i am painting a very sorry picture of myself i must clarify that there have been plenty of times when i felt a great sense of elation, but those moments of elation do not give me any great joy now when i think about them.

Secondly, the only commonality that i could observe in all my hazy recollections of these past moments of elation was that i felt happy in these moments because somebody (usually my family members) felt happy for me in these moments. And also perhaps i had some kind of recognition (no matter howsoever microscopic it may be) in these moments. So as i observe my own happiness itself is dependent on others. And this is where Howard Roark becomes a fantasy. The easiest way for me to verify the validity of this observation was to imagine myself all alone on an island. I don't think that any of my actions will have any meaning in such a scenario and i also don't think that i will have any reason or motivation to continue existing then.

So now going back to the original problem. If being the way i am is causing some discontent it is because i am not able to bring out the desired responses to my actions from others. I think it's safe to draw such a conclusion now, as i have established that my contentment itself is dependent on others. However, i must be very carefully sure about the people i want to impress through my actions. Otherwise i will never have a clear sense of my ideal-self.

But going against my natural instinctive self is tough. So is it worth the trouble?

My answer right now is yes it is. A validation for this answer comes from the swimming lessons that i am taking these days. As i can observe now, almost all the movements that came naturally or instinctively to me in the swimming pool were all technically incorrect. Now is it worth learning the right technique is anybody's guess. Though i must add that there is a sizable fraction of swimmers who swim sufficiently well for their rquirements with partially correct technique. But then again i don't think they themselves did not want to learn the right way to swim. It was just that they stopped trying at some point.

Thus to conclude, my answer to the riddle is to strive towards my ideal-self. The caution here is that the ideal-self which i seek to strive towards should be reasonable, well-defined and attainable.